"I Love her but I hate her too..."

You love her, you hate her. You fight you make up. And repeat it all over, again and again. 

Initially this could be thrilling and exciting as the making up were the intense, those days you flooded with strong emotions. But eventually, it will make you worry about the future of the relationship and it will bound to think if you have taken the right decision by entering into it. 

if you are wavering between loving and hating your partner, then you could be in a complicated love-hate relationship. Initially, you may think that love will eventually outrun the haltered, but when things get worse, you will find yourself on shaky ground with your partner. 

In this post I will try to discuss about actuality of love-hate relationship, and probably the reasons for it. Don't take it personally, but in today's world I can see lots of relationship knowingly or unknowingly struggling with the toxicity of love-hate relationship. Though I never though about this before even I don't have the solution for this, but here I will just try to identify the traits of it. 

What is a love hate relationship?

Ankush and Tushanki both were met from matrimonial site, though they were not their first preferences but consequences brought them into relationship. Few initial months it was like dream, they were roaming around the city , planning for future, having dinner together. weekend parties etc. etc. but what Ankush hid the reality from Tushanki was previously he was in a relationship and before he came out from that bad memories he just entered to another relationship with Tushanki just to forget or may be filling up the gap of past.

So one fine evening Tushanki explore it that still he is talking to his past, and that day the dream the love castle broke down between them. Trust is very very sensitive thing in the world once its broken nothing can fix it. Now from that day the toxicity of their relationship increased gradually. Tushanki tried to finish it in same day, but somehow she was stuck and drawn with the love of Ankush. That day the love-hate relationship born. 

A love hate relationship is one where both the partners have strong feelings for each other but are not consistent in expressing them. So they behave lovingly on some occasion and act like enemies on others. - Ankush and Tushanki also failed in this trap, they fought devastatingly just after the make out. they stopped respecting each other they use ample of abusive languages when they fight. but then when they are in love no one can say that they are fiercely enemy of each other, that time they even can speak through signs they can behave like they are soul mate. Strange right !!

couples in love hate relationship tend to speak harsh words that they actually do not mean. On same cases, they can't stand each other and might want to end the relationship but do not end it.

So inconsistency of their emotions is the first sign of love-hate relationship.

Fine !! now what are some other traits of love hate relationship 

Extreme emotions define love hate relationships. At times you will feel the luckiest person in the world because of certain appealing qualities in your partner. you may love that your partner is dynamic, focused in life, great company of travelling and a foodie, always helpful etc. etc. no matter how much you try, you will find certain qualities in your partner irresistible.

But then there are few traits that are an absolute turn off. It can be their ego, short temper, loud mouth , not a good listener or streaks to laziness. These habits or traits may not be a deal breaker but tend to cause friction now and then. At times like these, definitely you will feel that you made a mistake by committing to your partner.

But the problem is in this particular situation you love and hate each other with passion. when you both argue  it would be intense and can lead to any direction like threats of breaking up, cursing each others , cursing the birth of each other even if it persist it will lead to physical abusiveness too. because during such heated moment you may find each other highly repulsive. Even as you are thinking about calling it quits, you may have a change of heart and makeup, shower each other with love and forget that you were at each other’s throats just a while ago. But this love is also short-lived, as the cycle of breaking up and making up goes on.

So now what, you can ask me if this much toxicity in their life then why they are not separated and live happily ever after. But the things is human psychology don't work with proper logics. In our mind its not always 2+2 = 4.

Initially, you may have been attracted to the positivity in your partner (and still do). But when the negatives caught up, you were taken aback and wanted to end the relationship. However, the positives are too good to let go, or you have invested too much time and effort to walk away without trying one more time like Ankush and Tushanki, after 4 years of fight they are still together, somehow after every worst fight they get invisible magnetic force towards each other which they cant even ignore . So, like them you start maintaining the relationship as a prized possession, with the motive of winning them over. You may try to make them stay committed to you permanently or give in to your needs and desires. Like Ankush and Tushanki you see other normal couples going ahead in the relationship, supporting and understanding each other, but you are stuck in the vicious cycle of loving and hating and gain loving. With all the mixed emotions and roller coaster rides , you just cannot figure out what the future of the relationship is. After a long such relationship, maybe you got comfortable in that relationship like my friends ankush and tushanki or may be you are just afraid of being single thats why continue to being with them.

While you adore certain traits in your partner, you do not love them enough to accept their flaws. This prevents both of you from having an emotional connection, which is essential for the longevity of the relationship. You could be chasing perfection and trying to fit your partner into your mental image of the perfect guy or girl. Whenever they do something amazing, your heart fills with love for them. And the moment they go against your will, you start hating them. Your feelings for them become conditional and depend on how they make you feel.

 Lack of an emotional connection could lead to constant fights and conflicts. At one point, you would no longer discuss the issues and may start to sweep them under the rug. Lets say, you are angry at your partner for not doing the cooking or cleaning up the room or not even picked up clean cloths from washing machine. Instead of addressing that simple single issue, you use that to bring out all the previously unresolved issues. Such built-up anger will lead to hatred and resentment, which is like a ticking time bomb ready to explode at the slightest disturbance. And when it does, the lack of an appropriate emotional connection will make matters worse.

As mentioned earlier, there may be some things about your partner that you cannot stand. So, even if you feel incredibly drawn towards them, the aspects that you dislike in them nag you. This makes it difficult for you to love them or hate them completely. You may have tried to talk to your partner about the things that are bothering you, but there is no change, and eventually, you come to a conclusion that they will never change. This will leave you frustrated as you cannot decide whether to stay for the good things or leave for the bad things.

So, unable to carry the emotional baggage one day Ankush shared all these things to his friend. His answer was not satisfactory so he asked another friend. 

Now this sharing and taking suggestion from others complete the full circle 

and then he started to get reactions like 

"You're going over there again?"

"You're giving her another chance? what's wrong with you?"

"Why do you stay with her if you fight so much?" etc. etc.

When the people who love you and are able to see your situation from a distance start pointing out red flags, the truth is hard to deny. And yet you may try your best to do just that. Denying that the relationship isn't working or is even becoming toxic isolates you from those loved ones who may be able to help. Isolation is dangerous.  

Actually when you are not sure about your partner, and talking to them is taking you nowhere, you try to calm down the voices in your head by taking the relationship issues to your friends and family.

You may feel that may be you are judging the person in one way , may be they see things differently, or they might know how to fix your relationship. You will have an impulsive need to share your feelings with your friends for support and validation. You know it might hurt or anger your partner, but you cannot help as the doubts inside your head do not let you stay still.

And finally I must say that a healthy relationship is one where you can be yourself, love without boundaries, and accept each other without any reservations. But in a love-hate relationship, you are sometimes in and sometimes out. Such half-hearted emotions will make you protective of yourself. Fear of  rejection and being hurt, you try to play safe. You start building scenarios in your head as to how you can come out clean from the relationship. You try to focus more on the qualities which you hate and push your partner aside.

If any body could relate to most of the behavior i mentioned here then you could be in a love-hate relationship. and you may wonder how you and your partner landed in this situation? 

Frankly speaking Rome wasn't built in a day!! This situation is a result of many small things ..

1.       Ego: Ego and love cannot be together. If you and your partner have giant egos that are overshadowing your love, then you will have difficulty accepting your faults. And when your partner tries to point it out, you may take it negatively.

2.       Compatibility issues: Things can also go wrong when your views and expectations of love, life, goals, and dreams do not match.

3.       Unbent personalities: If both the partners have strong personal opinions and views and are not ready to let go of them or even bend them a little for the sake of being together, then the love can turn into hatred in no time.

4.       Control issues: Another downside of having a strong personality is the urge to control. If both you and your partner are always fighting over who holds the reins of the relationship, then there is only war and no love.

5.       Cheating, jealousy, and insecurity: Such negative traits also push a relationship into a love-hate cycle. If you encounter these issues and ignore them instead of addressing them, they could build up hate and resentment in you.

6.       Try to perfect others but not oneself: When you always find faults and want your partner to be perfect, but ignore your own flaws, you inevitably create a love-hate situation.

If God grace if you can identify the cause of all those intense but wavy emotions, you must work on fixing them before you fed up and the relationship moves towards breakup. 

Thanks for reading...I don't know about the future of Ankush and Tushanki but if someone can comment with proper solution then you are always welcome, I promise that your suggestion will be shared with them.